June was always filled with doom and gloom for me. Some years I would question why I would be in such a foul mood, but then I would look and see that it was June and it all made sense. See not only had my father passed away, but he passed the day before Father’s Day. So Father’s Day became this constant reminder of loss and hurt. It’s been 12 years since I lost my father, while I am in a much better place now, it has not always been that way.
The complicated relationship I had with my father didn’t make getting over the hurt easier. But his death taught me a lot about love and forgiveness. I know that it’s ok to love a flawed person, because we all come with our own set of flaws. I know that the way people may treat/mistreat me has nothing to do with me and doesn’t reflect my worth. I know that forgiveness isn’t always easy, but always necessary. But most importantly I know, that regardless of everything, my father loved me.
How My Husband Helped Me Love Father’s Day
When I had Brayden and got married, the feelings of loss and grief didn’t go away immediately. Because now my father wasn’t just missing from my life, but the lives of people I love deeply. But it took the birth of my children and the growth of my family to help June not be such a sucky month that was marked with grief. It has given me great joy to see my husband bond with and love Elle and Brayden. It was impossible to see so much love and not get excited about Father’s Day. I guess I owe it to my husband, for loving Brayden and Elle so much and leaving me no choice but to look forward to and love Father’s Day.
However, I still had to give myself permission to celebrate my husband. I had to let myself know that it wasn’t an act of betrayal or heartlessness to be happy on Father’s Day. That me not being sad was not a measure of my love for my father. Although I no longer dodge card aisles during the month of June in attempts to protect my heart, I still get angry thinking about how he’s not here to see my children grow up. I often wonder if he would have been a more consistent presence in their lives, and be to them what he wasn’t able to be to me. But now I’m more at peace and just extremely grateful for the time I had with him. I just pray that my father is proud of the woman I have become.
Thank you all for taking time to read a more personal post.
I hope you all have an amazing Father’s Day!
And if you know someone who has lost their father, check up on them. Because in the words of Jay Electronica “hakuna matata by day/But I spent my night time fighting tears back,” you don’t know what they may be struggling with around this time of year.
And if you are like me, fatherless on Father’s Day, and may be having a tough time protect your heart and remember you are the child of the Most High!